


Onwards and Upwards

by pandafarts



Series: From here on out with love [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Anal Sex, Awkward First Times, Cosplays, Crossdressing, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Halloween Costumes, Halloween parties, Healthy Relationships, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Moving In Together, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Rape Recovery, Supportive Otabek Altin, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-10-10 01:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20519474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandafarts/pseuds/pandafarts
Summary: Yuri's no good parents can't come near him anymore. He has paperwork that says so. It's been months since Otabek decided to move to Russia to train under Yakov, and their plans to get an apartment are finally in full swing. Yuri feels better with the support from his friends and therapist, but he's still not sure where he stands with Otabek.Can his fragile state of mind handle their relationship getting more physical?Part Four of "From Here on Out With Love"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! If you're current in the series, thank you so much for following to this point! You guys are awesome! If you are not current, or haven't read the previous installments I encourage you to do so! Enjoy!

Otabek and Yuri had started to look at apartments around Yuri’s 18th birthday, and here it was, freshly September, and they were still living in two different countries. It was maddening to say the least. Between (um, hello), being professional athletes and practice and travel, they didn’t have a lot of free time to look for apartments. As winter approached and a lot of competitions neared it would only get busier. Otabek’s idea, which had been terrible and regrettably brilliant, was to save money until they had enough for several months’ expenses before getting a place together. It was a great idea, even if that made the process a lot longer.

The only issue was that they could only cut cost so much. It’s all fine and dandy to stop buying expensive shampoo or use less data on their phones, but things like coaching fees and costumes weren’t really up for debate. Additionally, Grandpa had gotten surgery; a hip replacement that he had sorely needed. He was retired, by no means rich and while he needed the surgery he couldn’t quite afford it. Yuri had argued about it with him until he was allowed to pay some. He hadn’t wanted Yuri to help with it, because he knew Otabek and Yuri were saving up. The insurance had covered a bit, but Grandpa and Yuri had ended up splitting the rest. Yuri even flew home and helped him for a while as he healed. Nikolai had felt terribly guilty, but he was walking better now and that was what mattered.

Yuri didn’t regret it in the slightest. Shit was just expensive as hell. It had set his savings back considerably, but he would do it again in a heartbeat if he needed to.

That led to their annual summer trip being canceled. Typically Otabek would fly to Yuri, or Yuri would fly to Otabek, but it had already become tight for Yuri. He’s glad he’s already met Otabek’s parents. It would have been weird if they were moving in together and they didn’t know him.

He hadn’t seen Otabek since his birthday. They had been spoiled with seeing each other a lot lately, but it is at its core a long distance relationship.

Just not for too much longer, Yuri assures himself tiredly. He wasn’t going to have to be parted from Otabek anymore once they moved in. Whenever that was. His bank account was fatter than it had been in awhile. Otabek had told him he was having some luck with that too. It should be soon, because they have competitions coming up soon, and they really need to move before it all got chaotic.

How Otabek was putting the finishing touches on his routines and preparing to move at once he would never know. They had their eye on a little one bedroom that was a little farther than they’d like from the rink, but it would be easy now that Otabek was bringing his bike. Not super big, but in a decent area. He had to ship his furniture from Moscow because the furniture at Lilia’s house belonged to her. He took care of some of that while he was down for Grandpa’s surgery. He already had Yuuri and Victor and everyone pledging to help him move.

Not that they have tons of furniture. They don’t have a table or a couch. Well, he doesn’t. Maybe Otabek does. Maybe he should ask.

Yuri sighed. Maybe a one bedroom was a dumb idea. He know he wants to sleep with Otabek, like as in sleep in the literal sense. But sex? Is he ready to actually have sex? They felt more cemented as a couple now that they had been together this long, and that was even with them not seeing each other for several months. Years of friendship had built a steady foundation and Yuri felt blessed that he wasn’t insecure about the distance and time apart. But now that they were going to see each other; soon likely, he felt like sex was back on the table and that was terrifying.

This was all that old creeps fault

His dad had probably gotten released, and he was likely back in Moscow. He wasn’t allowed to come near Yuri. His mother couldn’t come near him either. Yuri has a piece of paper that says as much.

Adrian… did so much damage. So much damage. Yuri had his victories: the earring that symbolized the end of his phobias, the therapist he went to, the friends that gave a shit, and the beautiful young man who he almost (sometimes) wanted to sleep with.

But, sometimes, he wondered if he was ever going to let Otabek fuck him. There are things you don’t get over really. What if he never had sex with Otabek? He had pulled him off that one day in Lilia’s house. That was fun. He had made out with him plenty. But nothing recent. He hasn’t seen Otabek since March.

Is this going to be a deal breaker for Otabek? If they don’t go much further? Does that spoil things? Otabek’s 21 years old, and very handsome, of course he wants sex. Is it bad that Yuri doesn’t always want sex? He's 18. He should have more urges that this.

Snorting, he puts down the clothes he is folding. He’s packing for a move that may not come soon.

He’s so mean to himself, honestly. When he’s horny it’s bad. When he’s not horny, it’s bad. He just can’t win.

His phone rings. A wonderful distraction.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” he says easily. Even the sound of his boyfriend’s voice is calming.

“I think I have enough money now, so if you do too, we should call the apartment.” Otabek says matter of factly, and boy does that wake Yuri up. They had already applied, probably stupid because they weren’t completely ready. They had been excited, but the apartment hadn’t called yet, and they might have to do so first.

“So we’ll go forward with the plan?” Yuri demands softly.

“Yeah. If you still want to.” Otabek yawns. He must be tired. “Once we get it, I can ship my stuff over. I’ve been packing even though it’s early.”

“Yeah,” Yuri laughed. “I’ve been packing too.” He’s glad that they’re still excited about this. Because if they aren’t, what’s the point?

“I’ve really been hoping they will give us the apartment. I can’t wait to hear if we did.”

“Do you want me to call now?” Yuri asks.

“Yeah I think that’s a good idea.” Otabek agrees. Yuri knows he would call, but Otabek’s kinda in a different country than the complex right now, and he gets plenty of long distance charges from these calls with Yuri.

“Ok. I’ll call you after.” Yuri says before hanging up. He has the number saved on speed dial in case they call, which they haven’t. His heart is in his throat as he listens to it ring. 

“Hi, this is Yuri Plisetsky, my boyfriend and I applied for an apartment?"

“Yes, hello. I’ve been meaning to call you about the deposit for cats. You mentioned you had a cat?”

Now Yuri’s confused. Aren’t they kind of jumping the gun here?

“Yeah, I do. I thought we didn’t get the apartment?” At this the lady laughs.

“I meant to have an agent call you. My apologies. You both have less than established credit, which is normal for younger people. Other than that, the information you gave us shakes out. We have a unit available and as long as you can provide first and last months rent, and $150 for the cat, there will be no issues.”

Yuri blinks. And blinks. And then he starts to grin.

“Mr. Plisetsky?”

He gets to live with Otabek! They got the apartment!

“Are you still there? Is it a bad connection?”

“No! Not at all!” He exclaims, "That’s great news. I’ll talk to Otabek and see when he can come down to sign the paperwork."

“Very well. Congratulations! Keep us posted.” She hangs up and Yuri is left staring at his phone in awe. He dials again and the minute Otabek picks up, he feels the joy wash over him.

“Hey, babe! Guess what?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Phichit. He has a pure energy. He gets to be in this chapter!  
Thanks for reading, commenting, leaving kudos and just making my day in general :) Enjoy!

Otabek’s plane landed around noon. It’s currently 12:34, which means he’s probably getting his luggage. Which means Yuri will probably see him in a minute and they can celebrate the fact that he’s about to go sign paperwork that says they are officially a couple that lives together.

Yuri could barely eat the breakfast Victor bought him at the airport because his heart was in his throat. Not necessarily in a bad way. He can’t believe they’ve made it this far and he’s thrilled. It’s terrifying and awesome. The English muffin sandwich didn’t do anything to offend him. He’s just got other fish to fry; mentally and literally because Otabek shipped his stuff from Kazakhstan and as soon as he gives the complex his signature they can move in.

It’s exciting. And scary. But mostly exciting.

Someone taps him on the shoulder, and he turns around to tell them off because that’s what he does when strangers bother him.

Except…

“You asshole! I was watching really carefully and you still snuck up on me!”

At this Otabek, the sneaky bastard, just kisses him soundly. He’s through in a way that makes Yuri wish they were in private.

“Fuck, I really missed you baby.” Otabek says in between kisses. Yuri’s not used to hearing him use coarse language. He really likes it for some reason.

He can’t really say so while being kissed, so he just kisses like he’s never kissed Otabek before. It has been several months, can you blame him?

“If you two feel like surfacing, I’ll drive you home.” Victor teases by his side.

Yuri parts and silently rejoices in the fact that Otabek looks very flustered.

“Like I haven’t seen you and Katsudon suck face for the past 3 years. C’mon baby.” Yuri says, he tugs at Otabek’s hand and leads him away. Otabek looks at him like he’s made of shooting stars and fireworks. It does something fiercely wonderful to his insides.

The drive to the new apartment is short, which is ideal because Otabek’s stuff is already here. They sign, and then meet up with Mila, Georgi and the lovebirds. Phichit is in town visiting Yuuri. Yuri sees a lot of his and Otabek’s friendship in theirs, except Yuuri has Victor. It’s the fact that they travel to see each other in the off-season and Skype frequently that reminds him of him and his boyfriend even though they aren’t romantic. Phichit had insisted on helping them. Yuri doesn’t mind, they can sure use an extra hand.

“Hey! Congrats you two!” Phichit exclaims. Everyone nods or verbally agrees.

“Thanks.” He says. Victor and Georgi start carrying the couch up the stairs. It’s a comical and slightly alarming process. Otabek had taken his bed apart before shipping to make it easier, but they could hardly do that with a couch. Yuuri seems to be sorting boxes. Mila starts helping Otabek with the headboard. Once they put the frame back together, they can put the mattress in it. That leaves Yuri alone with Phichit trying to decide what to do with himself.

Yuri has the sudden, intrusive thought that he and Otabek might have sex on that mattress at some point and the breath whooshes out of him so fast that Phichit gives him a funny look.

“You okay Yuri?” He asks. He’s holding a box that’s labeled “kitchen” and he looks so concerned that Yuri actually answers honestly.

“It’s kinda scary to be on a lease with someone. What if we don’t work out? What if we start fighting and it’s terrible, what if this is a bad idea?” He feels the panic rising and he doesn’t notice that Phichit has put down the box and has come closer.

“Here. Come here, silly. It’ll be fine.” He hugs Yuri and he’s in such need of the hug that he doesn’t care that he doesn’t know Phichit as well as the others. He tells himself later that it’s a brief hug but it’s not. Phichit smells like the spearmint gum he’s chewing and it calms Yuri down.

“You two are great together. Don’t doubt it for a second. Okay? You guys will do great, and if you don’t, we’ll help you move again.”

Yuri pulls back. He’s a little embarrassed, but he had needed that.

“Okay. Thanks.”

“No worries! Let’s get this in!”

After a few hours they are moved in. The bed sits in the middle of the bedroom, and the table and couch are in their respective areas. They have boxes to unpack of various things, but Otabek seems to want to start with clothing. Everyone leaves, having put in more than their fair share of hard work. Yuri is tired but he continues helping Otabek put his clothes away. They didn’t have enough hangers, so they put what they can in Yuri’s big dresser. They will have to buy some later.

He opens a box that turns out to contain CD’s and realizes they are not his.

“Do we combine the CD’s or should we display ours separately?” He wonders aloud.

“Hmm…. That’s a good question.” Otabek says. He comes up behind Yuri and rests his head on his shoulder. It should be nice, the affection, but he’s stressed and tired and he bristles.

Otabek notices right away, and pulls back.

“You okay?”

“No, I need a minute.” He walks into the kitchen so he doesn’t have to look at Otabek’s face. He doesn’t want to meet his eyes. Had this been a bad idea? He feels like he's ruining things. He feels like that pretty frequently. How were they supposed to make this work?

Otabek comes into the kitchen. He doesn’t say anything, but Yuri knows he’s not mad. He’s giving Yuri time and silence to sort through his emotions but staying close enough that he can be a comfort. He’s a very considerate person. That’s why Yuri feels so guilty. He’s just a good person, and Yuri was just a mess.

Maybe he should do what Amanda, his doctor had suggested. He swallows and makes himself speak.

“Amanda thinks I should go on something. Medication. She says it might help me with my anxiety and depression.”

Otabek hums and comes closer. He pulls out two chairs from the kitchen table, one for Yuri and one for himself. They sit.

“Do you want to do that?” He asks. It’s an honest question.

“I want to research it. I know that you can run into side effects. I know my insurance may not cover all of it.” He pauses. “It feels like an easy way out. Like I’d be cheating. I should be able to control this on my own. I don’t deserve some magic pill to fix everything.”

“What do you mean you don’t deserve it? Yuri, if you had diabetes we’d buy you insulin. If you had a heart condition, or asthma, we’d get meds for that. This isn’t any different. If you need meds, we’ll put you on meds. It’s that simple.” Otabek says. He’s being very matter of fact.

“I want to look up more information. She’s only a therapist so we’d have to go to someone who can prescribe meds. I don’t know who to even go to.” Yuri whines, putting his head on the table.

“Maybe Yuuri would know. He mentioned he had really bad anxiety. Maybe he takes something. I don’t think it would be rude to ask.” Otabek starts stroking Yuri’s hair as he sits with his head down on the table. Yuri sniffles, still upset, but feeling some peace flow back into him. Otabek is really a wonderful person.

“Thanks Beka.” He says as he gets up. He feels drained.

“I wanna take a nap. You can join in you want.” He offers, but Otabek looks hesitant.

“I kind of want to unpack more while I have energy. I can join you after?”

Yuri knows that Otabek is still thinking of him recoiling at his touch. He’s being cautious. Doesn’t mean the unspoken ‘no’ doesn’t hurt.

“Yeah. No problem.” He sounds falsely cheery even to his own ears.

Yuri goes to the bedroom, and lies down. The mattress doesn’t even have sheets on it yet. He feels low.

After a moment Otabek comes in. He lies down.

“You know what, a nap does sound nice.”

“It’s okay…” Yuri starts but Otabek cuts him off.

“Sometimes I worry that you push yourself, that you’ll say yes to something when you aren’t truly comfortable. But I need to trust you. If you want to nap and cuddle right now, then I’ll believe you without second guessing.”

Yuri hadn’t thought of it that way.

“If you promise to trust me, I promise to always say no if I need to.”

Otabek tugs him close. He’s a little sweaty from moving all day, but Yuri buries his head in his shoulder anyways. He feels Otabek nod before he speaks.

“Deal. I trust you. It’s going to be okay.”

Yuri closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Otabek feels very solid. He must be hitting the gym more. Yuri’s not bad himself, but he likes this moment where he feels a little smaller.

It’s going to be okay.

Fuck he hopes that’s true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medication is a very personal choice. I personally take some for my bipolar disorder. It's something I wanted Yuri to have to explore in his journey. Thanks for reading! Lemme know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite the rough first night, it’s altogether a smoother transition than Yuri thought it would be. Potya, especially, is settling in very nicely. Otabek bought her a giant cat tree to try and suck up. He wants Potya to like him, because she’s so important to Yuri. She lounges on the top layer constantly and only comes down for food, and occasionally pets.

Otabek has started training under Yakov. He and Yuri wake up at the crack of dawn and run before it’s even time to go to the rink. It’s nice to have Otabek panting next to him as they pound the pavement. Sometimes they stop and get coffee, black with only a little sugar because they are training right now. After he wins gold (silver for Beka of course,) he’s going to buy one of those caramel lattes he daydreams about. He promises himself this every morning. He can already taste it.

Yuri likes the feeling he gets while running. It fills him with endorphins and purpose. He even likes the feeling of having noodles for legs once Yakov and Lilia are done running him through his step sequences. Maybe he’s a masochist.

After about a week of living with Otabek, they fall into an easy routine. Otabek fixes him eggs in the morning. He fries them overeasy, even though undercooked eggs gross him out and tries not to make a face as Yuri mixes the runny part with ketchup. After that they run. Then they go to the rink and drill their routines even further into their brains. They drive home on the motorbike and Yuri attempts to cook something healthy that’s still edible. It’s always bland and Otabek always thanks him for cooking it, either verbally or by kissing him on the couch.

There are enough boxes remaining that it’s a minor concern, but they have the majority of the kitchen and bedroom unpacked now. Otabek has established a rule that no matter how tired they are after practice they have to each take care of a box before bedtime.

After that they fall into bed. Otabek like being held as they fall asleep. Yuri likes it too. Sometimes they fight over the privilege of who gets to be the little spoon. It doesn’t matter how they end up, whether it’s Yuri curled into the warmth of Otabek’s chest or Otabek with his face smushed in Yuri’s shoulder, it’s some of the best sleep he’s gotten in his life.

He can’t remember ever feeling this happy. Ever. He can’t believe when he sets his alarm every night that he gets to do this again tomorrow.

He just can’t help but feel like something’s got to give. It’s too perfect. Something bad must be coming right?

Here he is again, spoiling his own happiness by worrying.

Otabek is currently showering. They are going to go grocery shopping this evening They don’t have enough to finish out the week. It’s definitely time.

Yuri crosses the room, pulls out the jacket he wore a few days ago when he had gone to a psychiatrist, one that Amanda had recommended. He empties the little slip from its pockets. They had talked, and the man had given him a prescription for an antidepressant. He had been matter of fact and very compassionate. He felt that treating some underlying imbalances would help Yuri focus and have better success with his therapy.

Yuri wanted to tear the little paper slip to pieces.

He hates himself. He just didn’t know if he hates himself enough to take medication for hating himself.

Otabek comes out of the shower. He is fully dressed, as he had brought his clean clothes into the bathroom to put on. That way Yuri didn’t have to see him naked.

They were a couple living together and while Yuri had touched Otabek’s dick on one whole occasion, they lived more like friends than lovers.

Yuri wanted to be with Otabek, in every sense of the word. He knows logically that until he works through his issues it won’t happen. He didn’t want the fact that he’s been sexually abused make it so he couldn’t have a sexual relationship with someone who really loves him.

“Hey.” Otabek says. He comes up and puts his hands on Yuri’s sides. He always knows before Yuri even knows himself when he’s upset.

“Hey. I wanna get this filled.” He shows Otabek the prescription. They had already talked about it. Otabek had been very neutral on the subject. He hadn’t seemed to have an opinion of what was best. It was completely up to Yuri.

Yuri wants to sleep with Otabek at some point, and he wants to not hate himself. That made the decision easy.

“Cool. We can go to the pharmacy when we get groceries..” Otabek kisses him on the nose which makes him laugh and then kisses him for real which shuts him up. The kiss is a little on the hungry side and leaves him a little breathless. It goes on a lot longer than usual too.

“You’re always willing to do whatever it takes. You put everything into skating, and the people you love, and into your recovery. It’s remarkable” Otabek says. His eyes are wide. He’s gripping Yuri’s sides a little harder than he usually does. Yuri likes it.

“And that makes you hot?” Yuri teases. Otabek laughs cheekily.

“You make me hot because I love you.” He pulls back and Yuri feels both incredibly touched and more than a little turned on. He’s not sure what to make of the combination.

“Um… let’s go get food.” He stutters. Otabek gives him a funny look.

“Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“No! Um… yes maybe? But not… not in a bad way.”

Otabek gives him a funny look, and then laughs.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom before we go shopping?” He asks, and Yuri laughs because it’s so ridiculous. This isn’t even the first time Otabek’s gotten him hard but this is the first time he’s wanted to do something about it. He briefly considers asking if Otabek wants to blow him but Otabek gags when he brushes his teeth too hard, so he doubts he’s going to have luck with that. And he is still panicking at the thought of Otabek actually touching him there.

“Yuri?”

“Uh… I’m not sure? I kinda wanna mess around. But I’m not sure.” He says this to be honest but Otabek looks so surprised at his words that he immediately tries to take them back. Otabek doesn’t let him.

“It’s okay. I think about us being together too. But if you aren’t sure that’s probably your answer.” He kisses Yuri once more, but a little less heatedly.

“You think about us being sexual together?” Yuri teases. He knows this already of course but it’s nice to feel wanted even though he’s not ready. He feels a little guilty that he needs Otabek to want him, even though he can’t see them having full out sex in the near future, but Amanda told him to be honest with himself. Otabek kisses him on his ear, where the piercing is, gentle as ever.

“I think about it.” Otabek says softly. “I think about us having sex a lot, but there’s more to it. I’m excited to go get groceries in a few minutes because I’m excited for you to find stuff you want to eat, so I can buy it for you. I’m excited to watch a movie tonight and hear you criticize the special effects. You have no idea how captivated I am by you.”

Yuri feels like a pile of warm goo. How dare Otabek say something that sweet with a straight face?

“I love you.” He answers simply. He kisses Otabek soundly. “Thank you for being patient with me. I think when we do, it’ll be really cool.”

Otabeks smiles but looks a little surprised.

“You’ve never said ‘when’ before. Just ‘if.’”

Yuri laughs. That’s probably true.

They go to the store after that. They are sorely low on several things, like chicken and eggs. Both being high in protein and relatively easy to cook, they eat these the most. They get veggies for side dishes, and coffee: regular for Yuri because he needs caffeine to be up early and decaf for Otabek who claims that he can’t sleep if he has too much.

They head to the pharmacy. Yuri fills his prescription and they talk to him for a minute because he’s never taken this one before. His crap insurance actually covers the whole thing.

Otabek respects his privacy, staying nearby looking around at the diet pills and pill cutters so he doesn’t bug Yuri while he gets his medication.

Something catches Yuri’s eye. He makes the decision in a split second, putting the two items in the cart before he has a chance to doubt himself.

Otabek looks at him like he’s grown a second head. Yuri knows that they aren’t ready to buy these, but something in being prepared soothes his nerves.

“What? Better safe than sorry.” He says, leading them to the checkout. Otabek buys him a bottled tea so he can pop one of his new pills right then and there.

They get plastic, not paper so that they can use the plastic bags to line the garbage cans. Better than buying trash bags.

They head out into the night air, Otabek holding his hand. They secure the groceries in the hold on the bike. They didn’t buy enough that it’ll be hard to get them back.

Chicken and eggs? Check.

Meds? Check.

Veggies and coffee? Check.

Condoms and Lube? Check.

Yuri holds onto Otabek as they drive away into the night. He lets himself consider them together, and let’s his immediate internal response wash over him. Where there used to be hard 'no' there is a soft, uncertain ‘maybe.’

And that’s a lot more than there’s ever been before.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment or a kudos if you dig this chapter! <3

Yuri waits for Lilia to come get him for his appointment. It’s been a rough week. He feels like shit. He can’t sleep, can’t land a quad, can’t be decent to people. He snapped at Otabek not twenty minutes ago for simply telling him he should eat breakfast. Otabek is so flipping nice to him, and what does he do? Snaps at him, like his boyfriend isn’t the nicest person he knows.

He really needs this appointment. He skipped the last two. Told himself it was because of the move, but they were already moved in. He wanted to be done moving before the season truly went into full swing. No, he skipped because he’s ashamed to tell Amanda what he’s thinking.

Otabek’s not an angry person by any stretch of the imagination, but Yuri can tell he’s getting on Otabek’s nerves with his attitude. He feels Otabek’s hurt and confusion, and it’s still hard to stop. The guilt threatens to eat him alive. It keeps him from sleeping at night: that and all the other bullshit.

Lilia arrives. Her car is always fresh and pristine like she washes it every day. He never eats in there. She’d probably have kittens.

“Thanks for taking me.”

Lilia nods. She’s quiet sometimes and it’s a little unnerving, but he trusts her. More than he trusts a lot of adults.

That’s what drives him to speak.

“I’ve been awful to Otabek lately.” 

Lilia looks at him sideways, but keeps her eyes on the road.

“It’s easy to be stressed during competition season” She’s giving him an out with this, but he doesn’t take it.

”Yeah, but I keep snapping at him for no reason.”

Lilia shakes her head.

“Yuri, there is always a reason.”

When he gets there, Amanda is ecstatic that he came. When she asks him how he is, he starts to panic, not sure where to start.

“I guess I’m happy that things are going so well with Otabek. But I think I’m trying to sabotage it all too.” He feels weird now that he’s said it out loud. Amanda doesn’t look surprised at all. She just nods. She’s truly a saint.

Usually whenever he says something like this in a session she already knows.

“Is this guilt related?” 

They talk about guilt a lot. It’s ironic that a survivor would have guilt and not the molester, but he doesn’t make the rules.

“I think so. I feel like because of what happened to me, I’m not good enough for Otabek. I feel like I’m hurting him, because he loves me too much and can’t see how bad I am. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss my parents. Why can’t things be different?” Yuri feels his eyes well up.

Why couldn’t his parents have been decent people who loved him? Why had things been this way instead? It wasn’t fair.

Amanda hands him tissues. She looks at him kindly.

“It’s a grieving process, one that you might go through over and over again. You’re grieving for missed opportunity. And Otabek? You two seem pretty solid. Don’t sabotage the relationship because you’re scared.”

After the session, Lilia takes one look at him and takes him home instead of back to practice. He crawls in bed, feeling raw and doesn’t wake up until Otabek comes home for dinner.

“Are you sick?” Otabek touches his forehead to see if he has a fever.

“I just want to sleep.”

Yuri sleeps.

His dreams are disturbing to say the least. There are buildings collapsing on top of him and shadowy ghosts trying to drag him away, and then his dad is giving him a bath. He’s far old enough in the dream to bathe himself. In the dream him and his dad are dating and nobody knows it’s wrong but Yuri. They don’t listen when he tries to tell them.

He wakes up with a gasping noise like he’s surfacing from under water, and his hyperventilating wakes up Otabek. He’s immediately alert and there for Yuri.

“Can I touch you?” He asks. Anyone else would be reaching for Yuri right now already and he can tell his boyfriend wants to, but he knows better than anyone that sometimes physical touch isn’t helpful.

Yuri needs it right now, though. He nods frantically. Otabek pulls him closer into the heat of his body. They fell asleep last night close together, so it’s not a huge leap. Otabek gently smooths over his hair, where the messy bun he did before bed is sweaty and gross. Sometimes Otabek touches his sides or hips when they cuddle, but he seems to get that Yuri can’t handle it right now. He concentrates on his back and arms. He tells Yuri that he’s safe, that the dream is over, but Yuri just shakes like a leaf in the wind or a little dog during a thunderstorm.

He eventually stops. His breathing slows back down and he is left tired and spent. Otabek continues to pet him, smoothing his hands over his arms until the tremors finally pass.

“There.” He shushes, “See, it’s all over. You did good.”

At this Yuri snarls. He does not move from Otabek’s hold however.

“Oh yeah, I’m killing it. Winning at life.”

Otabek smiles gently, wipes the corners of Yuri’s eyes. He doesn’t even remember crying.

“You are dealing with your childhood trauma while getting used to a move, which is a big life change, and your programs look so good I know you’re going to win. There are very few people doing as well as you right now. I think you should be proud of yourself.”

Yuri opens his mouth to argue, but then Otabek’s words sink in and he’s so touched he can’t possibly pick a fight.

“Thank you. I’m sorry I’ve been so shitty to you.” He says instead. Otabek kisses him softly. He knows he is forgiven.

“Are you going to try to get some sleep?”

“I don’t think I can.” Yuri sighs, honestly once he has a dream like this, he’s done for the night.

“That’s fair enough. Here, I have an idea.”

“A 2:41 AM idea?”

“Yes.” Otabek gets out of their bed and holds out his hand for Yuri to get up. Yuri does as told and knows instantly that he’s not going back to sleep. The fact that Otabek is getting up too fills him with both guilt and appreciation.

Otabek heads to the kitchen where he starts rummaging around in the cupboards. He pulls out a box of pancake mix. 

“Beka we can’t eat those.”

“Sure we can. It’s the middle of the night and it doesn’t count. These are dream pancakes. It’s not even real.”

Yuri snorts. The calories totally count, but Otabek starts mixing the batter and pouring them into the pan and his stomach growls at the smell. He presses his face into Beka’s neck and wraps his arms around his middle as he cooks. Beka feels warm and his energy is soft and relaxed. Here it is, not even three o’clock and Otabek is happy to make them breakfast. Is this breakfast? Seems too early.

“You’re a bad influence.” He teases. He kisses Otabek’s cheek and breaks away so he can go to the fridge. They don’t have bacon, but they do have some ham and they might as well fry that up if they’re going to break their diet.

Otabek finishes cooking and leads them to the balcony. The stars are bright and the air is very cold. Yuri retrieves a blanket from the bed and they sit outside in the dark, Yuri sits between Otabek’s legs and they eat their spoils.

“Hey Otabek?”

“Yes, babe?” Otabek’s words are a little jumbled because he was chewing. Anyone else it would have been gross, but it was endearing.

“I want you to know how serious this is for me.” He’s feeling thoughtful and Otabek seems to catch on quickly. He doesn’t say anything. He knows that Yuri needs to talk and he needs to be quiet so Yuri can get his thoughts in order.

“You were my first best friend. You were my first boyfriend. My first crush, my first love. But even if I had dated a million people before you, this would matter the most. I don’t always have a way with words. I know loving me… putting up with the depression and the anxiety and everything isn’t easy. I know it’s hard we haven’t been physical yet, but it’s been so meaningful to me that you are patient. I really love you. I want you to know how loved you are.” Yuri can’t really see Otabek while sitting in between his legs facing the yard but when Otabek speaks he sounds emotional.

“I love you too. The ‘depression and the anxiety and everything,’ as you’ve put it doesn’t make you harder to love. I would never love you less for something you can’t help.” He rests his chin on Yuri’s head. Squeezes his arms gently around him.

“I’m serious about you too. I know Russia has a long way to go, but Yuuri and Victor are married. I can see us getting married down the road too. And the sex thing doesn’t matter. I’ve survived my whole life without sex. I can wait as long as we need to.”

“Otabek?”

“Yes, babe?”

“Let’s not wait too much longer.”

Otabek chuckles. 

“Whenever you like, Yuri. I have all the time in the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Russia in real life is pretty against gay marriage and stuff in general, but it's legal in my universe, even if people aren't always cool with it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments! You guys rock. Please enjoy this sexy little chapter!

The competition is around the corner and Yuri actually feels ready for once. His routine feels polished, and even though his feet and legs and _everything _ache after practice he feels more confident in his programs than he usually would by now. The perfectionism is there, but his medication seems to have cut some of his anxiety down. The depression has lessened too. He doesn’t want to say he ever felt empty but there were times he definitely came close.

Yuri feels better.

And on the flip side, Otabek was having a pretty hard time. He has struggled with moving so close to the upcoming competition, and with getting used to a new coach. He had fallen badly recently, and Yuri knew he was bruised. He just couldn’t see because he and Otabek were pretty modest with each other. Hopefully he’d catch Otabek changing. Does that sound perverted?

Probably.

Yuri wanted to see the bruise. Wanted to make Otabek feel better. Wanted to make his body feel good instead of bad.

Which of course clashed terribly with the fact that he was terrified of sex.

Actually, hold up. He’s scared of being sexually abused. He’s scared of being hurt and humiliated and forced. Is he afraid of consensual sex too?

Yuri sits and considers this, chewing on his bottom lip carefully. He is a little afraid of that too. But at the same time, he really wants to right now. Maybe not everything. But something on the way to ‘all the way’ sounded pretty damn good.

It was morning. Otabek had fallen yesterday, but Yakov had cleared him to come back. Yuri knew it had to be bad because Otabek slept in a different position than usual last night. His best guess was left ass-cheek, which he hadn’t seen. Otabek was modest because it helped Yuri’s fragile state of mind. But Yuri didn’t feel fragile right now. If they didn’t have practice he’d do something to Otabek. He’s not sure what. But definitely something!

Otabek seems sore and moody. He doesn’t say anything cranky to Yuri, but he looks ruffled. He’s the polite kind of cranky.

Otabek laces up his sneakers. He had suggested they walk instead of taking the motorcycle today, and while he claims it’s it for extra exercise, Yuri can’t help but wonder if maybe his bruised butt hurts too much to sit on the bike.

Yuri takes pity and decides to make Otabek a to go mug of coffee. He even adds a bit more sugar than usual. Otabek’s earned a little sweetness.

Otabek comes into the kitchen, looking a little grumpy, and his face softens considerably when he sees Yuri making his coffee. He kisses Yuri on each cheek.

“Thank you, honey. Are you sure you don’t mind walking?”

“Yeah, I figure the seat of the bike would be a little unforgiving right now.”

Otabek sputters defensively and Yuri just kisses him to shut him up.

“It’s fine, love. We should leave now so we have enough time.”

They make it in time. Otabek has consumed all his coffee. He had walked with his mug in one hand and Yuri’s hand in the other

They quickly get into practice. Yuri flubs a few jumps because he’s watching his boyfriend. Otabek gets a text while taking a break. He checks his phone and his face falls. Yuri waits for him to tell him what it said, but he never does, not even after practice ends. Yuri can only assume that nobody’s dead or dying, but that it’s still unpleasant news.

Otabek walks back, and squeezes Yuri’s hand a little too tight. He doesn’t say anything either, like he’s lost in thought.

They get home and Yuri is about to ask Otabek what he wants for dinner, but Otabek is already in the bedroom. He’s closed the door. They never close the bedroom door. He feels like Otabek is shutting him out, and it’s not like him. It’s concerning.

Yuri feels at war. Should he barge in there and demand that he tell him what’s wrong? Or should he make dinner and let him come to him? He doesn’t want to ignore Otabek.

Yuri walks to the closed door. He knocks.

“I can tell you’re upset by something. I’m going to make some dinner, if you want to talk after we can.”

The door opens. Otabek’s eyes look suspiciously red.

“We can talk now. I got a text from Amina. Read the previous texts.”

Amina was Otabek’s closest friend back home. They had known each other since they were children. Amina was getting married in November.

Yuri sits and puts an arm around Otabek, and takes the phone.

Otabek_: When is the wedding? I’m so happy for you. Yuri and I can fly down if you need any help getting ready._

Amina_: That’s okay. I mean we aren’t really as close as we used to be. I’d hate for you to fly down just for a wedding._

Otabek_: Well it’s been awhile, but you’re still my oldest friend. _

Amina_: We just don’t have a deep emotional connection like we used to. Friendships change, and I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, but lately I feel like we aren’t even friends. We’re having a very small wedding. I don’t think we have enough room. Thank you though, Otabek._

Yuri’s heart hurts for Otabek even as he feels anger at her message. Amina and Otabek had been friends since he was 11. They had always hung out together, several times a week, and she had supported Otabek when he came out. Otabek had complained that they didn’t talk as much now that he had moved to Russia, but it was clear that she wasn’t feeling it anymore and that Otabek hadn’t quite seen it coming. Yuri knew something like this hurt.

It’s okay for feelings to change, but to be so blunt about it was a little cruel.

Yuri wraps his arms around Otabek, holds him snug and kisses him. He wants to help.

“I’m sorry she did that. It’s pretty messed up of her.” At this Otabek just shrugs. Yuri can tell he’s hurt, even as he brushes it off.

“What can I do for you? What do you want?” He asks. Otabek smiles softly.

“Honestly right now, I just want to eat, get off in the shower and go to bed.”

Yuri laughs.

“You and me both. I don’t know if this is bad timing, but I’ve been feeling ready to take the next step. If you want trade head or something? Might be a good distraction.”

He feels a little selfish trying to get off right now that Otabek’s upset. But that’s not really it. He wants to comfort Otabek, and this feels like the most personal way to do so. It felt right in this moment to be physical with Otabek.

Otabek always blushes so prettily. He looks eager, but his words go against his obvious wants.

“I can see blowing someone being triggering. It’s kind of a submissive act. I can see that being hard for you.”

Yuri looks at Otabek. He is correct. This is something Yuri’s been made to do. He knows it might trigger him.

Looking at Otabek however, who is bruised, sad and stressed, he doesn’t feel a power imbalance at all. He wants to do it. Curiosity is killing him and he wants to at least try.

“I’m okay with it. Just lemme up for air every once in awhile.”

Otabek blushes and starts removing his clothes.

“It’s only fair to return the favor.” Otabek says. “Is that okay with you?”

“Uh, yeah of course.” Yuri sheds his clothing too and meets Otabek’s eyes. He feels vulnerable, but not necessarily in a bad way. They’ve seen each other undressed while changing clothes and just in daily life, but to both be naked because they’re getting ready to do something feels significant.

Otabek pulls him to the bed and wraps his arms around him. Yuri hadn’t realized how nervous he was until he feels Otabek’s warm skin on his and all his nerves drain away. He can feel Otabek hard against his belly and it doesn’t scare him like he thought it would. Otabek kisses him and touches his skin until he feels drunk.

“Can I see your bruise?” He asks, and then curses himself for potentially ruining the mood, but Otabek just laughs and shows him.

“Wow, it’s a rainbow. Purple, yellow, blue. It’s a good one, ten outta ten.” Yuri kisses Otabek’s face and feels him relax even as he laughs. They turn back over. They’re both considerably hard. Yuri feels particularly aware of how red his face feels. He spends a few minutes kissing Otabek’s neck and sucks a hickey on his hip. He realizes at one point that Otabek is actually trembling.

Yuri slides down and ignores Otabek’s steady stream of “we don’t have to’s” and “it’s okay if we don’t” and slides his mouth down on his dick.

Otabek groans, tries not to buck his hips, and avoids pulling Yuri’s hair.

Such a gentleman.

Still, Yuri supposes, this isn’t as bad as he thought it would be.

Truth be told… it’s actually kind of fun.

Who knew, honestly?

Otabek doesn’t last very long. Which is fine because when Yuri’s turn comes around he doesn’t either. Otabek’s a gag prone person in general, but he seems to have more skill than Yuri had anticipated. It’s ridiculous how much he likes it.

Now that they’ve done this, he craves more already, and not just the orgasm, but also the skin to skin, and the feeling of Otabek underneath him as they cuddle afterwards.

Eventually they get hungry. They never ate dinner after all. Yuri pads off to the kitchen and heats up some leftovers and brings them back. He does all this naked as the day he was born. They eat in bed, with Yuri leaning on Otabek’s shoulder. Potya has come down and she steals some ‘people food’ and ends up curling up by their feet.

Afterwards they pull the covers up around them. Otabek is warm, and they are both slightly sticky with sweat. Otabek pulls him close to his chest to where he can hear his heart beating.

“Yuri?”

“Yes babe?”

“Do you count oral sex as sex? I know some people don’t.”

“Why wouldn’t it count?” Yuri thinks it counts.

“Dunno. Maybe because it’s not penetrative.” Otabek shrug then he laughs. “I count it, so that would mean that you just took my virginity.”

Yuri feels his heart skip a beat.

“Is that okay?” He demands softly, and Otabek nods, kisses him sweetly.

“I can’t think of anything better.”

Yuri curls in tighter. He’s been made to perform this specific act before. He’s never done so willingly. There’s never been any tenderness. Nothing like this. This was more than Yuri ever thought he could have.

“You know, swimming and drowning both involve being in water. But they are very different.” He says and Otabek just nods like he understands and kisses him again.

Yuri closes his eyes and wholeheartedly kisses him back. They fall asleep a breath apart, and Yuri only wakes up when his phone rings.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kicked me in the shins and took my lunch money.

“You know Mila, you didn’t have to call me this early, you’re going to see me at practice anyways.” Yuri complains. He has his cell cradled at his shoulder as he uses his hands to butter his toast.

“I know but I wanted to ask you where you couldn’t smack me for asking. I thought this way you might be more open minded. Will you do it?”

Yuri sighed and opens his mouth to argue, but Mila just cuts him off, like she can hear him inhale.

“I think it would be awesome. Halloween is Otabek’s birthday. We will probably all end up at Skate Canada around that time, and Otabek would probably love to see you dressed up.”

“Mila. Don’t act like you needing someone skinny and blond for your costume contest group has anything to do with what my boyfriend wants.”

“Yuri, you like her though! I think you’d really pull it off.”

“Mila Babicheva I am not going to dress up at Harley Quinn, especially not the movie version, okay? There wouldn’t even be room in those little sparkly panties she wears for my nuts. Bye!”

Otabek comes in the kitchen at that moment and catches the tail end of their conversation and raises an eyebrow in amusement. He kisses Yuri good morning, letting it linger on longer than a morning kiss really needs to.

“Do I want to know?”

“Probably not. Mila just wants me to wear something scandalous for Halloween since it’s your birthday.” Yuri kisses him again, wraps his arms around him. Otabek must have just brushed his teeth. He’s minty.

“Last night was amazing.” Otabek murmurs and Yuri knows he’s blushing because he feels warm suddenly. The memory of Otabek and what he had let him do last night came flooding back with full visual.

Otabek snickers. “You’re so easy to fluster. You’re so cute.” Yuri’s heard enough. He yanks Otabek by the ties of his sweats and pulls him closer.

“You keep talking like that and I’ll make you blow me before breakfast.” He says, and Otabek just laughs and slides down.

“Honey, as far as threats go, that’s not scary.”

In the end, they are only slightly late to practice. Mila takes one look at them and laughs, like she knows. Knowing her she might. She’s quite good at reading a situation.

Practice goes slowly today. Otabek is working on some finishing touches and he’s kept a bit separate from the rest of them as he tries to work it out. Yuri’s anxiety is a little higher today than he would like, he’s not sure why, but he keeps thinking about Amina and her rude messages to Otabek.

Really, if you thought about it, her dismissing Otabek’s friendship was Yuri’s fault. If Otabek hadn’t moved to be with Yuri, they’d probably still be talking. The distance wouldn’t have separated them and he’d be going to her wedding.

Otabek had given so much up to be with Yuri. He had packed all his shit, changed coaches, signed a lease, spent money on airfare. What if he decided that Yuri wasn’t good enough? Yuri knew they were trading head and everything, but he wasn’t convinced that they’d have ‘actual sex’ anytime soon. Most guys wanted that right? What if it never happened and Otabek was miserable and he left Yuri? Or even worse, he stayed out of pity, and never got what he needed? And they slowly fell out of love?

By the time practice ends, Yuri knows he’s a mess. Amanda always tells him not to dwell on negative thoughts, but he can’t help it today. He knows there is some truth in his musings.

Otabek puts an arm around him as they walk home, and Yuri shrugs away. He doesn’t really want to be touched right now. Otabek is too good for him. He doesn’t deserve this.

Otabek gives him a funny look, but respects his personal space. He probably thinks Yuri’s just triggered right now. Which in a way he is.

“Are you still going to cook tonight?” Otabek asks him. “You did mention making Katsudon Piroshki.”

Yuri had forgotten about that. He’s almost too tired and drained to cook, but it would taste good. He knows Otabek will like it too.

“Yeah I can.” He says. Otabek offers to help but Yuri says no. He doesn’t really want to cook together right now. He needs a little space.

The recipe is hard, especially because he doesn’t have it written down. He finds a little joy in making the dough and kneading with his hands.

Finally he’s finished. The kitchen is a mess, but he feels accomplished. Otabek gets plates and they sit down, and dig in.

“So? What do you think?” He asks.

“It’s good. Thanks for cooking, Yuri.”

By the time Yuri’s had three, Otabek has just finished one. He’s eating slowly. Yuri’s eyes narrow.

“You don’t like it.” He says flatly. It’s not a question.

“No! I appreciate you cooking.” Otabek says emphatically, but Yuri who has felt on edge all day feels his temper rise. He scoops up Otabek’s plate and marches over to the garbage. He scrapes the plate. Otabek looks surprised to say the very least.

“Don’t eat it. I don’t want to make you eat something you hate.”

“I don’t hate it! It’s just… different with all the different textures. Don’t be mad.” Otabek reaches for him, but all Yuri can think about is how angry he suddenly feels.

“I can be mad if I fucking want to!” He storms to the bedroom, slams the door, and locks it for good measure. Otabek can sleep on the couch tonight!

Otabek calls his name through the door, tries to reason with him, and Yuri sits sitting cross-legged on the floor near the door, pretending that he’s not crying.

Eventually Otabek stops trying to get him to talk. Yuri leans his head back and cries so hard his nose runs, and his chest aches.

What the fuck has he done?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to feel discouraged about this story. If you like it lemme know cause I worry all the time XD

Yuri wants to keep the door closed. Metaphorically and literally. He wants to hide Otabek from the parts of him that are damaged, that aren’t pretty. He sits on the floor, trying to figure out what to say, but nothing feels like enough. Sometimes he feels more guilt than he needs to, but he really feels like he’s been an ass. He knows that he’s not actually mad about dinner. He’s not even sure he’s mad really. There’s just a lot going on.

Skate America is the 18th thru 20th. Otabek and Yuri will both compete in that. The Grand Prix is starting up soon. Things are starting to wrap up. The competition being so close it’s time to think of things like getting their flight scheduled and figuring out who will watch Potya. Their routines are beginning to have a polished feel. Yuri knows they are as ready with these things as they can be. But having a fight with Otabek, especially so close to the competition when things are already so up in the air feels… scary to say the least.

Yuri wants to keep the door closed. He doesn’t open it because he wants to. Just like he doesn’t go to Amanda for therapy or take his antidepressants because he wants too. This is about responsibility.

He wants to apologize. It’s just hard to know what to say.

When he opens the door to the bedroom he can hear Otabek watching TV. He isn’t sure what to say about his outburst. He feels embarrassed. Otabek looks up at him when he hears him coming. He doesn’t look mad, but Yuri still freezes.

“I’m sorry. I messed up.” At this Otabek nods like he understands. He probably does. He’s an angel.

“Yuri, this is obviously not because of me not eating your dinner right? I think there’s something else.” He says this seriously, and Yuri would be afraid he was mad if he wasn’t patting the seat of the couch next to him for Yuri to sit.

Yuri sits. He tucks his arms and legs in tight to his own body.

“I think I have a lot of problems with not feeling good enough. I’m going to call Amanda maybe in the morning. Maybe she can schedule me in for something sooner.”

Amanda can be very helpful. If he can see her once or even twice before they leave for Skate America, he can be in pretty good shape.

Otabek nods. He reaches for Yuri, and instantly any illusion of space between them is gone. He pulls Yuri in so that he’s sitting on his lap, arms around each other. It feels soothing as much as it makes him a little warm around the collar.

“Sometimes, Yuri, I feel like I’m not good enough too. For you.”

_What?_

Yuri stares at Otabek. “But I’ve got all these emotional issues. My parents were awful.” He can’t believe Otabek would think that way!

“Yes. And you’re a very very talented skater, you’re incredibly attractive and you’re passionate. I feel like I’m more average.” Otabek says with a shrug.

“Nonsense. I think you’re above average,” he teases, which turns into a surprised gasp when Otabek kisses him behind his ear.

“I think we can agree then, that neither of us deserves the other. And the piroshky was wonderful. It was well executed and I know it took a lot of skill to make. I just get weird with food sometimes. I think you did a great job.”

At this Yuri softens. He kisses Otabek.

“Thank you. I’ll try not to melt down any more.”

“We’re all good.” Otabek pulls him flush and as always being close to him soothes his nerves. Otabek can make him passionate in one moment and docile in the next. It’s incredible, if not a little overwhelming. It’s wonderful in many ways.

The weeks fly by. They always do this close to a competition. Before Yuri knows it, it’s time to leave for Skate America. Potya is safe with a family friend, and their bags are packed. It isn’t until the plane takes off that he can really relax. He loves competing. He feels skating in the deepest part of himself. It’s part of his identity at this point.

Otabek sleeps on the plane. When they stop and change planes, Yuri has to shake him awake. Yuri has a small spot of drool on the collar of his shirt where Otabek rested his face on him. Otabek apologizes, embarrassed, but Yuri doesn’t care. If he has to be honest the fact that his boyfriend finds enough comfort in his presence to sleep on him makes him happy.

They get into the room after dinner time. Neither of them are tired enough to sleep or ready to eat. Otabek sits on the bed, pats the spot next to him with a smile. How can Yuri refuse?

After their fight, they had become pretty handsy. It’s still kinda scary in a way, but being physical is getting more and more comfortable. They’ve fallen a little into this sort of ease. They would be sitting on the couch, watching TV and someone’s hand would end up in the other’s pants. Or someone would strip down to go take a shower, and the shower would suddenly become steamy in an entirely different way.

Yuri wasn’t sure he was ready. He really wasn’t sure he wanted Otabek to put anything, fingers or otherwise near his butt. Just because he was okay with touching with hands and mouths didn’t mean he wasn’t still woken up by terrible nightmares where he couldn’t let Otabek touch him afterwards.

But he liked the idea of them having actual sex. He actually really did. If he could get Otabek to bottom, he’d be all for it. That seemed terribly unfair. Why should Otabek let Yuri do something that Yuri wasn’t willing to do? It wasn’t right.

At this point in their relationship however he knew Otabek didn’t care about stuff like that. He wanted them to progress, and he didn’t seem to keep score.

They had arrived at the hotel a full three days before the skating started. Yuri knows that it may not be the greatest idea to have sex, especially THIS type of sex so close to skating, but unless he you know, rails Otabek hard and fast he really doubts he’ll ruin him for the competition.

He planned to be gentle, thank you very much. That is of course if he conjured up the courage to actually have a conversation about it with Otabek.

Which seems very, very unlikely.

Otabek comes out at that moment, fresh from a shower. He smells wonderful, looks even better. Yuri would bet he tasted good at the moment too.

“Do you want the shower next?” He asks and Yuri’s dick responds for him.

“Sure. After that can I fuck you?”

He regrets the words almost instantly, even more so when Otabek laughs. Yuri flops down on the bed, pouts, because holy shit he’s embarrassed.

“You’ve lost major points for delivery.” Otabek says, sounding ever so amused. He sits next to Yuri on the bed and starts rubbing his back.

“Sorry. I just wanna do it. I know the competition is so close and I know it’s a little one sided.”

“What’s one sided?”

“That I want you to bottom because I’m too scared to.” Yuri mumbles. Otabek sighs and makes Yuri get up to they can actually talk.

“Having boundaries doesn’t make it one sided. Did you bring the stuff we need?”

“Yeah. I think I did actually.” Yuri goes to rummage through his suitcase and finds the items in question.

“Go shower. And yes. We can do that.” Otabek takes the supplies from him and pecks him on the lips. “Go, off with you. Don’t keep me waiting too long.”

Yuri rushes to the bathroom, where the mirror is still fogged up from Otabek’s shower. He catches his reflection. He looks nervous, blushing, excited.

_I look like a blushing virgin. Am I still a virgin?_

Yuri shakes his head. Who the hell even cares if he is or isn’t. He’s about to do something really new and really cool with someone he loves.

He turns on the shower, steps in and begins to smile. He thinks of Otabek waiting in the next room.

Okay. He can do this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone that left comments and kudos, it's been incredible! You guys rock! I can't believe it but I think this series is heading towards the end. I'm starting to feel emotional about it. It's been a journey.
> 
> I'm not sure where the line is between a 'Mature' or an 'Explicit' story, but they do SPOILER ALERT, have sex in this chapter so if that's not your thing, here's your head's up. Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Shae has translated 'Confessions on the Balcony' the first of the series, into Russian! Thank you Shae! If you would like to check it out, it's linked on the story.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Yuri reenters the bedroom, he is met with the pleasing site of Otabek 97% naked and pulling off his socks. His feet look just as bad as one could expect from a skater getting ready to try for gold. He’s already visibly hard. When Yuri meets his eyes, his face warms, as he smiles. Yuri knows instantly that this experience will be lovely. It feels like perfect timing, that they’re doing this now.

“Well, come on then,” Otabek teases. Yuri laughs, goes to him. Kissing Otabek feels as natural as breathing at this point. It never fails to comfort, entice and arouse. He will never kiss anyone else. Otabek is it for him.

Otabek always blushes a lot whenever things get hot and heavy. He’s responsive to everything Yuri kisses or bites. Eventually it’s time to move forward.

Otabek breaks open the lubricant, wets his fingers. Yuri feels a surge of panic. He always hated being fingered. It was sometimes the worst part. Otabek reads his face instantly and slows his movements.

“I’ve done this at least before. I like it.” He shows Yuri what he likes. Yuri is doubtful.

It’s scary for a moment.

Otabek stops opening himself up and reaches for him.

“Yuri, I consent fully to this. There isn’t a shadow of doubt or reluctance. I promise you, I want this.”

Yuri feels himself release the breath he was holding. This is okay. It’s okay to do this. He reminds himself that this is different.

“Okay. Thank you. I just panicked for a minute.”

“It’s okay. I can’t blame you for that” Otabek guides his hands. Yuri’s never even touched himself like this. It’s unexpected: the way Otabek’s body leans instinctively into his hand, how he seeks out the intimate touch. The way Otabek sighs into his mouth as they kiss. He can’t believe that Otabek somehow _likes _this.

After a few moments Otabek starts to push him away. He lies down flat, Yuri on top.

“I’m good now. I’m ready.”

Yuri’s heart flutters.

“Okay. Let me get a condom on.” He feels nervous, more nervous than Otabek appears. He could hurt Otabek, right? What if it isn’t good? He rolls the condom down, leans into Otabek, sliding in as gently as he can. Otabek’s eyes calm him down. He can see love, clear as day, but that’s not what gets him. It’s the explicit, undeniable, inescapable _trust, _that lets him know that everything is okay.

Otabek hums in approval, pulls Yuri in close, holds him flush to his body. Yuri’s not sure why, but he feels intensely protective of Otabek right now.

“Come on, baby, you can move.”

So Yuri does. It’s not like the movies where both people get off at the same exact time, screaming each other’s names. It’s awkward to find the right rhythm, because neither of them have done this before. It’s harder than it looks on porn sites.

But Yuri rests his head on Otabek’s chest afterwards and he cries. Otabek doesn’t ask any questions. He ties off the condom and holds Yuri like he’s a child, lets him cry. He waits patiently for Yuri to explain his tears.

“I’ve carried this weight for a long time. It’s not that the weight is gone. It’s just a lot lighter than it used to be.” Yuri says eventually. He feels Otabek nod for him to continue.

“I’m worried sometimes that I’ll always have to carry it,” he mumbles this knowing that the slightly melancholy sentiment might spoil this easy intimacy they are enjoying, but Otabek again seems to understand.

“There are things we don’t forget. Me loving you doesn’t make all the bad shit go away. But you will never have to carry the load all by yourself.” Otabek kisses his forehead and Yuri smiles. He feels so vulnerable, laid bare, and not because he’s naked. Otabek acts like he hasn’t made a world of difference by being who he is, but it’s changed Yuri’s life to have a partner that treated him this well.

“Was it good for you?”

Otabek nods. “Very. I can’t think of a better introduction.” He pets at Yuri’s hair until his movements falter. Yuri realizes that he’s fallen asleep, so he tries not to move. He gets caught in his thoughts.

Sexual abuse was…. so common. Rape ran rampant. People got kidnapped and trafficked and roofied, until it was so ORDINARY and yet people couldn’t bring themselves to talk about it.

He was part of the statistic. And that wasn’t okay. He wasn’t going to say things were okay now because he’s had consensual sex with Otabek. It still hurt inside that he’s been hurt this way.

But knowing that all his firsts with Otabek had been consensual gave him a peace he never thought he could know. Knowing that Otabek has never hurt him and NEVER will? Knowing that he has never hurt Otabek and never will? That’s what brought tears to his eyes and joy to his heart.

He’s proud of what they have. He’s proud of where he’s come from. He remembers thinking he’d never sleep with someone he was so scared.

Usually his pride comes from his skating, he’s not sure if he’s ever fueled his self esteem with anything else. It wasn’t wrong to take pride in his sport, but it felt healthier to have more than one source. One that didn’t depend on whether he won or not.

He’s not sure how the competition will turn out. He hopes if he doesn’t medal that Otabek will. He wants Otabek to have whatever he wants, wants him to feel as happy as Yuri feels.

He wants to give Otabek everything. He really does. He just needs a little time.

Heart, mind, body. Otabek can have whatever he wants. They’re young, they have lots of time. The competition would be over before they knew it, and then maybe they could take the final step.

Otabek had liked it. Maybe Yuri will like it. The thought still sends unease through his body, but then he thinks of Otabek’s _enjoyment _of their previous activity and he feels very curious.

Yuri combs his fingers in Otabek’s hair; hearing him breathe as he holds onto Yuri is comforting.

Was he ready? Would he know when he was ready, or would he still question himself?

Yuri presses a kiss to the top of Otabek’s head, letting himself follow him into sleep.

The night passes, then the days then before he knows it it’s time for them to start warm-ups before the competition.

Yuri feels like his performance goes exactly the way he wants it to. Otabek does really well too. While others are performing, they sit and watch. Yuri feels alive in a way he hasn’t in awhile.

He gets a text from Grandpa to call him when he can so he calls when they stop for dinner.

“I saw you. You looked great out there, Yurachka.”

“Thank you Grandpa. How’s the hip?”

“Old and creaky like the rest of me. Tell Otabek he did a fine job too.”

“I will.”

Yuri hears Grandpa start to say something. He doesn’t, however and Yuri makes a leap.

“What’s wrong?”

The line is quiet for a moment. Grandpa sighs heavily. The worry starts to build higher.

“Your mother contacted me. She wants me to tell you something. I told her it was up to you. I was going to wait until after the competition. I didn’t like the idea of messing with your head while you were competing.”

“What did she wanna say? Anything I haven’t heard before?”

“Yes. I was actually a little surprised.”

Yuri sighed, scrubbing at his face with his free hand.

“Okay. You can tell me.”

This had better not mess with his head.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for the feedback! We are very close to the end. I plan on posting the last chapter of both this story and this series on Halloween in honor of Otabek's birthday. I will probably cry.
> 
> If you aren't a fan of the movie Suicide Squad, my apologies. I've seen Yuri dressed as Harley Quinn in several fanarts, and my little heart jumped at the chance to make him crossdress. Oops! That will be more in the next chapter however XD

“So what does she have to say?” Yuri almost wants to ask what that “bitch” had to say, but while he knows Nikolai’s loyalties lie with him, he feels too edgy directly insulting his daughter. He feels like it would be very hard to be in his Grandfather’s place.

“She said she didn’t know he was abusing you, but that he was abusive to her. Not sexually, but verbally and physically. She wanted to hide it from you. She feels like she had you so young that she didn’t know how to take care of you. She was your age, Yuri, when you were 2. She could have done a lot better, however, age aside.”

Yuri snorts, “oh that poor girl. If only there were some way to prevent pregnancies.”

Grandpa laughs, “then my favorite person wouldn’t exist. She made some excuses, Yuri, but the regret felt genuine. She says that she moved out. She says she’s done living under his will. I guess after you got the protective order, well, Adrian was done with you. He was disgusted you’d ‘go so far’ and Vera just felt like she needed to fix things so she didn’t lose you.”

“I just don’t know if I can compromise my peace of mind to make her feel better.” Yuri has love for his mother in him somewhere, but love wasn’t always enough. He is very surprised that she’s left Adrian. They always stuck it out together. It’s hard to believe there could be a deal breaker, and that it would be him.

Grandpa sighs. “I wish my family was different. I’m happy that she knows she’s done wrong, but that doesn’t change the facts. I feel pain, immense pain that you’ve experienced these things, Yuri. I hope you continue to move forward.”

Yuri pauses, because he knows Grandpa is old fashioned. But this is too important not to share.

“Speaking of moving forward, Otabek and I actually did it recently. It was nice.”

“Did what?”

“Ummm. We were careful and we talked about it, but we had sex. And it was nice.”

Grandpa laughs.” Good for you. I’m very happy for you. Please let’s not speak of this again.”

“Sorry!”

“I’m just teasing. It’s part of life, and I’m glad it can be a part of yours too. You deserve every type of happiness. I mean that truly.”

Yuri smiles so big that he feels like his face is split.

“Thank you Grandpa. And for telling me what mom said. I wish I could forgive them.”

“You have to start with forgiving yourself. You’ve always carried a lot of shame. You should always be your own first priority. I think you should give up on Adrian. Good riddance to him. But maybe Vera will be a different type of person without him. She’s been under his thumb a long time. I’m not saying you should accept her with open arms, but I think there’s a chance she can be in your life in a positive way. It’s just something to think about.”

“True. I love you Grandpa.”

“You too! I’ll be patiently awaiting your next program!”

By the end of Skate America, Yuri has a silver medal, decent hopes for gold at their next stop in the Grand Prix, and a mouth shaped bruise on his collarbone that everyone keeps asking about.

All and all, it’s not a bad start to the season. Otabek won gold for this one and beat Yuri by 4 freaking points. Yuri feels proud of him, very much so, but the next one was his. He plans on celebrating with Otabek as soon as they get back to the hotel.

That is until Mila ambushes him. She’s got a real technique for sneaking up on people, especially when that someone is as tired as Yuri is right now.

“You never gave me an answer about the costume party.” She says in his ear. She startles him so badly that he swears. She has a duffle bag with her.

“Not even a ‘congrats on silver, Yuri’ just straight to emotional blackmail?”

“Mmm! Yes, congrats on silver. Are you going to be our Harley Quinn or not? The party is on Halloween and I’m going to be Poison Ivy, Sara will be Catwoman and the little junior who botched a quad in practice was going to be Harley, but she’s in a boot and decided she somehow can’t now. And you’re just her size!”

“No.” He turns to walk away and he laughs as Mila pouts.

“You like HQ!”

“Yes, she’s interesting. But I don’t wanna look like a girl.”

“Why would you look like a girl? I was going to say we could do a male version.”

Yuri stopped walking away. “Why didn’t you say that before?”

“Because you always said no before I could. I’m thinking we'll do a little eyeliner, hair messed up. I have these jeans that are half red half black. And I have the ‘daddy’s little monster’s shirt…”

“No on that.”

“Yuri. It’s iconic, people might not get it otherwise.” Mila hands him the bag. Inside there are the clothes she’s mentioned. They all look reasonably his size.

“C’mon Otabek might think it’s hot.”

Really? She’s going to pull that card?

“I’ll think about it. I do like the character. I just don’t know.”

“Fair enough. And seriously, congrats on the silver.” She gives him a mock salute. Yuri laughs.

“Thanks. You too.”

“Oh, but I got gold.” She teases. Yuri rolls his eyes.

“You know what I mean.”

They walk in comfortable silence for a moment.

“How’re things going with Otabek?” She asks finally.

“Actually, we kinda had sex for the first time recently.” Yuri admits. Mila’s eyes go incredibly wide. She shrieks, and Yuri shushes her.

“That’s so cool! Was it good?” She’s incredibly embarrassing, but her excitement still feels very flattering, in a way.

“It was good. I still haven’t… uh received. I was thinking I could though. Maybe tonight? I’m not sure yet.”

“Otabek let you fuck him??”

“Keep your voice down. Yes, and I’d like to… well you heard what I said.” Yuri knows he’s blushing before Mila starts teasing him.

“Aw, the little ice tiger is all grown up,” she sings, pinching his cheeks before he can swat her away.

“Fuck off, Hag.” His words have no bite to them. They’re almost back to his and Otabek’s room now.

“Seriously though Yuri. If you aren’t sure, don’t do it. You can take your time, you don’t owe him anything.” Mila pats his face, not unlike a parent would. “I think it’s admirable that you two have made it this far.”

“Thank you. Thanks for being here for me, for us.” He can’t believe he’s said something that gushy, but Mila looks pleased to hear it.

“Of course. Night brat.”

Yuri flops down on the bed. He does want to try. Now that Skate America is over they have a little time in between. Enough time to recoup if he’s sore…

He grabs a pillow and squeezes it for comfort. He can hear Otabek showering. Yuri knows they can do this anytime now. Tonight, a week from now, a year from now. Otabek didn’t seem to be in any rush.

He makes for the dresser where they have a tube of lubricant. He’s curious. That’s the main reason why he shrugs his leggings down and coats his fingers. His exploration is scientific, noting the coldness of the lube, the warmth of this body and the fact that it feels different when it’s his choice.

The shower shuts off. Yuri’s fingers retreat. He wipes his fingers on a tissue and pulls up his pants. Otabek doesn’t need to know about this. Not yet.

Otabek kisses him hello when he gets out of the shower. Yuri pushes him back against the bed, and it’s pretty obvious they’re going to have a repeat of the other night.

“I love you,” he tells him when he connects them. He really does. He loves Otabek more than anything

Otabek pulls him in and they get sucked under into passion again.

Soon, Yuri promises himself. For certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a zero percent chance of Yuri's mom getting back in his life is case anyone was worried. It'll make sense later haha


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I was gonna post the last chapter on Halloween, but I have a lot going on that day and I already rewrote this like 4 times XD I never thought this story would mean so much to people. It means a lot to me. My experiences were a little different than Yuri's. but writing him getting through this has been so incredibly therapeutic. I will definitely still be writing Otayuri. I love them, and I won't be able to stay away lol.
> 
> Thanks for everything! Please enjoy~

The costume, first of all, was ridiculous. Mila had promised it was Yuri’s size, it was. The shirt although tight, fit nicely across his toned arms and his flat stomach, the infamous phrase “Daddy’s Little Monster” stretching across the chest. They had argued over the shoes. In the movie, her shoes had been tall and pointy, but he refused. He wore black, studded combat boots over his fishnets. He probably should have worn socks too, because with every step he can feel the mesh slipping uncomfortably between his toes.

Mila’s so called ‘male’ version of Harley Quinn had gotten lost somewhere between Skate America and Skate Canada. He’s wearing a ‘pudding’ choker. He’s wearing eyeshadow and pigtails. And he _was_ wearing lipstick but it kept getting on his teeth and it had to go.

Harley wears sparkly panties in the movie that barely cover her ass, but Yuri has a dick, a nicely sized dick, thank you very much, so he managed to get shorts that were a little longer and a little less snug. Otherwise, one good kiss from Otabek, and he’d be in an embarrassing situation.

Grandpa had asked him to send a picture of his costume. He had been amused to say the least. Grandpa was easily one of his favorite people, and a few days ago he had called Yuri to apologize.

_“I shouldn’t have encouraged you to reconnect with Vera. That’s not to say you can’t if you want to, but I want you to know it’s your choice. I respect your decision.” _

_“It’s okay. My gut just says ‘no’. Maybe someday if she gets help. For now I need to focus on myself.”_

_“I’m heartbroken. I raised her. I miss that little girl sometimes, but suggesting you forgive her so I could have my family back was wrong. I’m sorry about that.”_

Yuri remembers when he first went to live with Grandpa and he surprised him by accidentally dropping a box. He apologized for startling him. Yuri had been stunned. No adult had ever apologized to him before.

All his current relationships were healthy. He wanted to keep it that way. Vera and Adrian were out of the picture and he wasn’t going to feel guilty about it anymore.

“Well?” Mila prompts. She’s been curling his ponytails while he thinks.

“It’s awesome.”

Yuri actually looks like Harley Quinn. He looks good. Sexy. He wishes he could get Otabek’s opinion, but Mila had whisked Yuri away to doll him up and left the birthday boy alone.

Otabek’s birthday fell on Halloween. They were going to do something just the two of them when they got home. Yuri was having fond daydreams of the quiet, private birthday that they were planning that probably involved little more than some traded blowjobs and a couple of cupcakes, but the big ‘skaters’ party for Otabek was today. They were going to have a big bang before their respective plane rides back home. Yuri sees a lot of aspirin in their futures.

Otabek didn’t usually dress up, but Mila would probably make him wear something. She and Phichit had a bag of assorted costume parts to hand out to anyone who didn’t have time (or desire) to buy a costume.

They are meeting at a club downtown, and Yuri’s hoping he passes as a real woman, because as nice as Canadians are, there are always homophobes.

Mila makes a convincing Poison Ivy and Sara a fetching Catwoman. It’s October in Canada, so it’s freezing. Harley has a jacket but that’s not going to protect his bare legs. Mila is basically wearing leaves, but taking the cold in better stride than Yuri. She and Sara have been dating for a few months. They seem really happy.

JJ had already dragged Otabek there, so they were meeting up.

Yuri’s dying to know if he’ll like his costume.

Someone whistles when they get through the bouncer. He’s not sure if it’s for him, or for the girls, until a guy at the bar looks him up and down and licks his lips. He looks so perverted that Yuri snarls.

“I have a dick, asshole!”

“Good! I was hoping.”

Yuri’s about to say something, most likely something he’ll regret, but Otabek and JJ have found them. Otabek’s jaw drops when he sees Yuri.

“Wow. Holy shit.” He gestures at Yuri. Yuri steps into his arms.

“You like?”

“You look hot.” Otabek mumbles near his ear. He kisses at the shell, “Are you comfortable? It’s freezing.”

Yuri kisses him. He doesn’t care that everyone sees. Only Otabek would follow ‘you look hot,’ with ‘are you comfortable.’

“Otabek!” Mila greets, “You don’t have a costume! It’s your birthday, we can’t have that!” Phichit surfaces from nowhere and plops a cat-eared headband on Otabek’s head. It’s quite a look; leather, denim and kitty ears. Yuri feels like melting because _damn _that’s adorable. Otabek simply shrugs.

“Shall we then?”

The party is crazy. They get a little drunk. Everyone else gets a LOT drunk. By the time Yuri’s come down from a few drinks and has switched to water, Victor and Yuuri are still taking shots. They end up in JJ’s room, playing the game that started it all.

“Okay, never have I ever given a blowjob.” JJ laughs. This gets a lot of fingers down. Yuri remembers playing and wondering if the incidents of abuse counted, but all he needs to focus on now is what he’s shared with Otabek. . Having pleasant sexual experiences to play the game with felt nice.

“What’re you smiling for?” JJ slurs. Yuri laughs. “I’m just thinking of all the nice dick I’ve sucked.”

The group howls with laughter, Yuri laughs too. He feels light, like he weighs nothing at all.

Eventually the party ends. Otabek walks a drunk Mila and Sara to their room. Phichit is out cold next to JJ on the bed. Georgi is in the chair snoring, dressed as a witch. Yuri’s got a photo of the hilarity already on Instagram. Yuri is left alone with Yuuri and Victor.

“I’m happy things are going so well with you and Otabek.” Victor says. Yuri’s surprised he’s awake; he’s had a lot.

“You did well. Letting people in isn’t easy.” Yuuri agrees. He’s tipsy as well, but picking up cups.

“I think I want to try bottoming. Is it terrible?” Yuri blurts. He’s been meaning to ask them this for awhile. He’s embarrassed, but when they shake their heads emphatically, he feels relieved.

“If you do it right, it’s fantastic. Honestly, it’s so good.” Victor says, then giggles. “Yuuri can really rock my world.”

“Okay, that’s enough.” Yuri snaps. They laugh. Yuuri puts a hand on his shoulder.

“It’ll be okay. Use lube, relax your muscles and stop if you need to. It’s seriously enjoyable, we promise.”

Otabek comes back. When they walk back, it’s easily 4 AM. Otabek’s hand is warm in his. Yuri pulls out the elastics of his ponytails.

“Happy Birthday. I’m really glad you were born.” Yuri says, and then ducks his head because damn that’s sappy, but Otabek just squeezes his hand.

“That’s sweet of you. Best gift I could get.”

“Oh! Speaking of gifts I forgot.” He’s already bought Otabek some clothing that he knew Otabek would enjoy, but he had been waiting for the right moment for this. On Yuri’s birthday, Otabek had put a bunch of songs on his ipod, stuff that made him think of Yuri, even before they were together. It had meant the world to Yuri. Yuri had added to the playlist.

“This is so sweet.” Otabek is looking through and he’s smiling big.

“Check out the last one.”

“Marry me’ by Jason Derulo?”

“It’s not a real proposal. Not yet. We’re pretty young but I’m going to marry you someday. I don’t ever want anyone else.”

Otabek smiles softly. His tenderness is what always got to Yuri.

“I love you Yuri.” They arrive at their room,

Yuri feels like the moment has a spell on it; something soft and bubbly that makes him kiss Otabek the minute they get in the room. Otabek hums into the kiss and helps Yuri out of his costume. He even unzips his boots. Yuri has blisters from the competition and raw spots from the boots and fishnets. Otabek soothes them with his lips. Yuri excuses himself to wash the makeup off.

“I want to switch. Can we?” Yuri asks. Otabek nods, undresses himself. They are standing close together, and Otabek takes his hand.

“If you want to stop, please tell me. It’s okay if we do it the regular way. I like it that way too.” Otabek kisses Yuri whisper soft.

“I’m nervous.” Yuri breathes.

“Me too. We’re in this together,” He presses Yuri down on the bed and kisses him until his nerves settle. They’ve perfected kissing at this point. The feel of their skin together is as comforting as it’s always been. Otabek let’s his mouth go everywhere, from the spot on his neck behind his ear, to the dip of his hipbone, and to the back of his knee which he never knew until now was sensitive.

Otabek’s fingers are a little rougher than when Yuri had experimented on himself. He’s gentle, patient, and observant until he’s brushing against Yuri’s prostate with every push.

“I’m ready. But I have a request?”

Otabek nods to show he’s listening. Yuri feels a little guilty asking this, but he knows he might get triggered other wise.

“The thought of being underneath someone makes me a little nervous. I want to bottom, but can we do it so we’re side by side?”

Otabek rolls the condom down, nodding.

“I think if we lie down and you put your legs over my hips.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah. Like that.”

It takes a minute of awkward maneuvering but then Otabek’s inside him and he’s pressing kisses to his hair and telling him sweet things that Yuri isn’t even listening to, because he is stunned. It doesn’t hurt. It feels sensitive and not in a bad way.

“You okay, baby?”

“Yeah. I’m good.”

Said man just laughs and kisses him, starts to slowly move, leading him into another new experience. Yuri tucks his face into Otabek’s warm neck and marvels at the fact that he can experience an act like this and feel not only aroused, but comfortable. They get lost in their rhythm, Yuri’s face tucked into Otabek’s skin and their limbs tangled comfortably together. About halfway through it goes from tolerable to pleasurable and Yuri feels joy.

Yuri spends himself with Otabek inside him. Otabek follows soon after, shivering and pressing his face into the sweaty crook of Yuri’s neck. Yuri feels like crying.

“You okay, honey?” Otabek asks softly. Yuri laughs.

“I’m wonderful. I love you” He pauses, “Is it okay we did it in that position? I just feel really vulnerable on my back.”

Otabek gives him a little squeeze. “There will always be things that trigger you. I’m so happy. I’m so proud of you.”

Yuri doesn’t know what to say, so he just holds him back. Otabek hugs him and pets at his skin until they fall asleep.

Yuri sleeps in late and wakes up feeling warm and happy with the first flicker of light over his eyelids. Otabek is a comfortable, welcome weight.

Yuri isn’t sure he believes in God. No merciful God would have let his past happen to him, but he knows now that something infinite had orchestrated all this so he could end up in Otabek's arms.

Otabek stirs awake, kisses at his neck. Yuri cranes his head to give him more room.

“Did you want something, Otabek?” he purrs.

“I already have more than I’ll ever need.” The honesty of the statement resonates with Yuri like any statement of love from Otabek ever has. He feels so incredibly happy, with the joy of this relationship overflowing until he can’t believe his cup was ever empty.

He could say all of this, but he doesn’t. He pulls Otabek closer and kisses him with a smile on his lips, because that was definitely more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's come a long way <3 I wanted his first time bottoming to show how far he's come, but I also wanted it to be realistic, thus his reluctance for certain positions. There are some things survivors never 'get over' and there are things that people, survivors or otherwise, just don't enjoy. Communication makes everything better, in my opinion. 
> 
> I've revised the last chapter soooo many times. I'm hoping you guys enjoy. I think I will continue writing other Otayuri stories and have this series as my background head canon. My sexy scenes weren't as wild or explicit as some of the stuff I've read on here, mostly because I only rated it mature, lol but I'd love to try writing some explicit level stories for them, with all the love still there. Lemme know if you guys are interested in that. Thanks for reading and stuff <3


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